I have given my oldest journal to Dr. R to read. I mentioned that he was in it several times & he said "I should hope so. After all we've been through together - " or something like that. And since, I have felt bad somehow &, wondering why, I have thot this: perhaps he is human enough to think I might have meant he was in it in quite another way, being more a part of the series of fantasy-loves I told him it had become a record of, being an account of the last 6-7 years of searching, finding, learning, hurting. And I thot such a lack, if lack there was, was nothing but a tribute to his fairness as a man and as a doctor. He has never called me anything but "Mrs. McCoy", knowing, I believe, that familiarity can only encourage inappropriate feelings and attitudes. And yet I love him and he knows I love him - but he has taught me and allowed me to grow this love only along appropriate lines and thus he has given me a gift I have never known before or since or elsewhere - the finest gift one can be given - a true and valuable love for an invaluable male friend, rarer than lovers by far. I love him.
There was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her toes in the doorway
She said to her beau,
"Look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way"
I yearn for the old and the peace of the old - after seeing The Last Run with George C. Scott (excellent!) and its back-ground of Portugal, Spain & Southern France and hillsides of quiet white red-roofed houses - old towns full of peace and slow, calm lives, raced past by today's tourists- and it made me want to be there, to withdraw from the race, the need, the compulsion - to return to what was - to withdraw to time to be & to think & to live life and not calendars.
Oh, Dr. R., you are too fair, too fine, for me. I would not dare to want you. I see you as what it is possible to be, what I will never be or touch. What have I got to compensate? I know what I have got and if I had to choose, I don't believe I would choose otherwise. I have got a sense, a view, a feeling for which there is no price, no value in our terms. Ruth knew it, she understood, she saw what is hard to see. Dr. R. sees, I think - he knows and I love him for it.
A. didn't call tonight. I thot he would. I really did. I don't care. No, that's not right, I do care. I care very much. It's just that it does me no good to care. So I go on. Relieved in a way - it frees me. I let go and it's a relief because it no longer pulls on me but I miss the pulling. Because pulling means caring but caring does me no good. So --------- I care not. (I do care.) I want not (I do want.) So what & why ------------
Friday, October 2, 2009
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- June 9, 1972 - Marigolds Buttercups & Columbines
- June 9, 1972 - Last-ditch Bulwark
- June 13, 1972 - Exorcised Ron
- June 13, 1972 - Return
- June 13, 1972 - I Wish I Were A Bush Pilot.
- May 27, 1972 - A Marvel
- May 27, 1972 - We Are Home Again
- May 20, 1972 - Why I Can't Forget Him
- May 20, 1972 - Just Such Driving
- May 16, 1972 - Putt-Putt'ed
- April 28, 1972 - An Experiment In Toleration
- April 22, 1972 - At The Arboretum
- April 19, 1972 - 2 Weeks & 5 Days
- March 17, 1972 - The Great Gap
- March 12, 1972 - I Am
- March 9, 1972 - Looking
- February 12, 1972 - I Love
- February 2, 1972 - Dedications In The Looks
- January 24, 1972 - Eyes & Years
- January 24, 1972 - The Frigid World Out There
- January 23, 1972 - To R.
- January 2, 1972 - Awareness Of Him
- December 31, 1971 - R.
- December 31, 1971 - Cont'd
- December 31, 1971 - New Hope
- December 31, 1971 - Every Day That's Mild
- Undated, 1971 - Envy
- December 4, 1971 - First Thing
- Christmas 1971 - What Once You Were
- Christmas 1971 - Dear Ted
- November 28, 1971 - Replete With Loneliness
- November 23, 1971 - Kaila Sits
- November 22, 1971 - Looking & Listening
- November 7, 1971 - The Pup
- November 6, 1971 - "Death In Venice"
- October 18, 1971 - Weather
- October 9, 1971 - As Good As Life Can Get
- September 5, 1971 - Since I Heard
- September 3, 1971 - 12:33 AM
- August 28, 1971 - How Can I Avoid It?
- August 26, 1971 - How Could You Know?
- August 22, 1971 - Entrance To Fall
- August 18, 1971 - Love ... Along Appropriate Lines
- July 9, 1971 - Purity of Purpose
- June 21, 1971 - Leaving Me In Steps
- June 7, 1971 - What Was Today?
- June 6, 1971 - Rhododendrons
- June 5, 1971 - Weeds
- June 3, 1971 - Toad
- May 29, 1971 - I Am Back
- May 8, 1971 - Tree-Child
- April 25, 1971 - There Again With My Son
- March 28, 1971 - Pull it Out Of Your Past
- March 20, 1971 - The Gap
- March 7, 1971 - Tired From The Effort
- February 12, 1971 - What I Used To Feel
- February 8, 1971 - Weekend w/G
- January 31, 1971 - Parallel Paths
- January 22, 1971 - Tabatinga
- January 19, 1971 - A Miracle In Myself
- January 12, 1971 - Give Me Strength
- December 26, 1970 - 4:25 Christmas
- December 4, 1970 - Falseness of the Gospels
- November 21, 1970 - John Dos Passos
- November 7, 1970 - Variety of Life
- Octobe 30, 1970 - Indescribable Joy, My Son
- October 16, 1970 - If You Do Not Love
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