June 10, 1972 - It Is Very Late

I am home in bed and it is very late and I was feeling strong-ish and rather proud of my holding the line & not giving in - feeling a little "dead", a little dried-up, realizing I really would rather be able to allow myself to feel something but thinking no, I must not feel sorry for myself. I must grit my teeth, so to speak, and better not try to feel anything which is what it amounts to. It is not me & it does not feel "right" but perhaps "they" are right and it is the way it should be. And I was making plans & determinations & declarations and positive statements and suddenly from nowhere Ron appeared to me and the dam broke & I covered my face with my hands and realized what I wanted to do was to comfort him - to hold him & comfort him - as a mother? - evidently so. I'd just been thinking how much I love Doug - how good I feel about him - how well I have that boy in my heart and mind and was smiling at the strength & impenetrability of my feelings for and knowledge of him when this other boy crept up to me & I remembered those nights with him here next to me in this bed - his arm around me & the warmth of him so near making me forget all the un-good I knew there was about him & our relationship. And the tears welled up as I longed to have that feeling again - and I thot: there is the best in me & there is the worst in me. There is the best in him & there is the worst in him. And my best wants to communicate with the best in him as we used to do & I want to mail this letter to him - to set him free - to let him know love can do this. Then though tomorrow the worst in me may remember the worst in him and I'll feel not to send it - not to expose my foolishness again to his hardness & coldness - and so it goes, so I go round and around - the good & the bad - the strong & the weak - wanting only to love and to feel. Is that so much? It seems to be too much. Strength is happiness - but strength is un-feelingness and I don't want that. I am afraid to give one up for the other. Must I?