January 12, 1971 - Give Me Strength

I said "Give me strength" & then I knew - there is no way to give me strength. I must find it, gather it, from within myself. That is the only source, the only place, the only way. "Alice" I said & it sounded strange to hear my name spoken by myself - it always sounds strange and somehow fine of me to hear my name spoken aloud. To be called by my name - disproportionately fine - alas, I'm sure - because I have so poor an image of myself - to hear my name aloud assures me of my existence & reassures me that I am indeed here, a being to be recognized. Give me strength, Alice - find me strength, Alice - gather strength, Alice - to say "no" - to Alice to find & seek & be what Alice indeed is & wants & wishes to be. I will.

I am looking for the unfindable.

December 26, 1970 - 4:25 Christmas

This is it - my time of day - 4:25 - Christmas weekend - 1970. The robin's egg blue sky is blended by clouds of peach and gold, pushed swiftly southeast by an edge-less winter wind. Bouquets of fine black lines strengthened by heavier black boughs wave and bounce erratically in the late day light. J. is due soon and so sunset this day portends not loneliness to me but the wistful and nostalgic emotion my sentimental self bursts with when I feel contented.

My son is my joy especially now. We had the happiest Christmas together alone I could imagine. He was everything he should have been Christmas Eve and morning. He is so fine and feeling a boy.

December 4, 1970 - Falseness of the Gospels

Also the saying "to proclaim once more the falseness of the gospels under the cover of which greed & [undeciperable] filled, with more and yet more pain, the already unbearable agony of human life."

November 21, 1970 - John Dos Passos

Reading John Dos Passos' Three Soldiers - why? I guess I'm trying to hang onto things solid - permanent things that have proved themselves. He says "growing up is the process of pinching off the buds of tomorrow."

November 7, 1970 - Variety of Life

" -- simultaneously enchanted & repelled by the exhaustible variety of life."
The Great Gatsby

Octobe 30, 1970 - Indescribable Joy, My Son

I must write, & someday I will write at great length, of the indescribable joy my son gives to me by being. It is deep and all pervading - it is pleasure compounded - it is soul-satisfying and heart-filling. I love him so much. He is and has been an experience I would exchange for nothing. He, literally, not only takes my heart, he is my heart.

October 16, 1970 - If You Do Not Love

If you do not love, you are not alive. If you are not involved in a relationship of some sort with another human being, in my case, a man, you are not of this world. I am not alive now. I am man-less and were it not for my son I would be dead in spirit. I do not exaggerate. What I say is true.