March 20, 1971 - The Gap

I formulated the idea the other day that my happiness or unhappiness rests in direct proportion to the gap between what, for whatever stable or unstable reason, I expect from the someone or something at hand and what seems forthcoming from that someone or something, be it life, friend or lover.

March 7, 1971 - Tired From The Effort

I had the thot, lying here waiting for strength to return after my almost-week in bed, that I was tired from the effort of hanging onto my mind which, it seemed, if I relaxed my concentration, would fly away, would flee, leaving me mindless.

I also thot, on this my 6th anniversary of J.'s beginning and the 1st of his ending, how sad that it is so easy for us to hurt each other by not even trying but often by just being.

My misshapen vanilla aroma'd candle winks & flirts - the flame appearing & reappearing over the bent & molded edge, its light glowing unevenly & palest orange through the fat wax cylinder it has melted itself down into, flickering against & warming the bare bottom of my terra cotta child who sits serenly in her nakedness, staring into space as do I so much of the time these days.

My two cats have endeared themselves to me so much this week of my illness & discontent. Hardly ever do I lie down or sit in a semi-reclining position but one or the other of them meanders and slithers her way onto my chest & abdomen there to position herself carefully & gently in some manner, to warm my heart & person & to rise & fall easily with each breath of mine, the beauty & grace of each of them equalling & indeed surpassing that of any work of man.

February 12, 1971 - What I Used To Feel

I felt, I had a touch, a taste, a hint, a sniff of what I used to feel with J., for J., because of J. It just came to me, swept over me. I wish I could have some of that now. God, I do. But that was another time, another me & J. was another person, too.

I think I have lived a whole life in these 7 years alone, through all the growing stages, vastly telescoped but all there, grasping early learning, experimenting, fond, fanciful adolescence, a tad of maturity and now sloping, sliding middle age, bittersweet to sour, cynical, part sentimental, nostalgic - still wanting, needing but knowing now it does no good to want or need - what comes, comes, what comes not comes not.

February 8, 1971 - Weekend w/G

Notes -

that rich, heady weekend w/G.

January 31, 1971 - Parallel Paths

We go down parallel paths
Never seeing
Never meeting
To the end without finding
Needing, wanting, but an answer is there.

January 22, 1971 - Tabatinga

"Tabatinga"
from old movie = Doug Fairbanks, Jr.
John Howard (Shangri-la)?
Joan Bennett

Note: It starred Douglas Fairbanks Jr. as an explorer leading a team of archeologists, etc. into the Amazon basin near Tabatinga to look for Inca gold.

January 19, 1971 - A Miracle In Myself

I am really, after all, a miracle in myself. Is that no so? A microcosm, as [indecipherable] as the miracle of life. For that reason life, if no other, I [indecipherable] to be routine with.