February 12, 1971 - What I Used To Feel

I felt, I had a touch, a taste, a hint, a sniff of what I used to feel with J., for J., because of J. It just came to me, swept over me. I wish I could have some of that now. God, I do. But that was another time, another me & J. was another person, too.

I think I have lived a whole life in these 7 years alone, through all the growing stages, vastly telescoped but all there, grasping early learning, experimenting, fond, fanciful adolescence, a tad of maturity and now sloping, sliding middle age, bittersweet to sour, cynical, part sentimental, nostalgic - still wanting, needing but knowing now it does no good to want or need - what comes, comes, what comes not comes not.