And yesterday a new door opened giving me an unexpected breath of quite a different kind - I don't see it clearly yet - seems quite an unlikely union - L. & myself - but strangely enough his kissing me that Sat. some weeks ago & his calling yesterday shook me as no one else has done ever & I don't understand why really. I was literally "shook" - my hands were shaking as I cleaned & tidied up for his coming over.
He's quite right in some ways - the way he dresses & cares for himself - his similar tastes & level of intelligence - his gentleness & thoughtfulness & perhaps most important (no, not quite most) he seems able & willing & determined to stick to a plan made.
And very strangely I sit here now quite full of thoughts of & desire for him. Is it only because it is new & fresh after a long dull spell. I needed someone's attention & touch & care & love - I needed it most terribly. Fri. at work I came close to tears & tears came close to spilling over because of simply hearing a particular sort of music that set a tone of feeling & pointed up most painfully my hunger & my need & my loneliness & ache. And Fri. night driving home from a full evening with M. & D. at the BPW convention I knew again that no happy amount of fun & wholesome activity can ever fill the void that waits always inside of me - an aching empty dryness that fills my self & my soul. So perhaps can L. fill it - for awhile anyway - fill it by giving to me & by needing my filling of himself. He needs & I need & each for now be enough possibly for the other but it at least is something & I am grateful for it.
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