Memorial Day, 1970 - Part 2

Being without Doug up here gave me a wrench at first. I understand & agree with his choice to stay home but still I wept briefly, huddled hugging my knees close to the water's edge last night or evening in the layering gloom and why? Because it made me feel as tho something had been pulled out by its roots - as a tooth properly loosening in its own good time is at last pulled free, its last remaining root-contact wrenching free with a last brief accompanying spurt of life's blood. A bitter-sweetness pervaded me - bitter because now it's as tho in essence I must do without even him and sweet because it is as it should be for him - a growing up and out and beyond. I thot how perverse parenthood can be - how on the face of it a mother might want her son to be attentive & constantly with, ever loving and even adoring, to reimpress & reassure her of his love and caring - but in full knowledge & intellect, knowing that condition would be a sickness or a terrible ill - for him thus ultimately for her. So I am glad for him and for myself as a mother while at the same time being sad for myself as a needful lonely human being.