May 24, 1970

Seems longer than 5 weeks since I've written here. Time goes so slowly and yet so fast all at the same time. I am more full now than I have been for some time and I want to record. I should have that last weekend in Larsmont and the absolute satisfaction I received from being by the lake. It came to me why, that this was my own little seashore near enough to be within my distance, time & financial limits, complete with gulls & surf & sand & shore & distance & cloud & sun & storm & wind & rain & life. I cannot do it justice - my store of words is too plain, my limits of confidence too tight, my inhibitions too great - I am able to deal only in repetition & cliche', but it relieves the pressure emotion builds up & so it serves. But watching, studying, surveying, looking out upon that lake, that spot sends nourishment through my eyes as surely as food maintains the body through the mouth. Next weekend I shall try to do better while at that very spot. Oh, I mourn the loss of that other journal that some hated & hateful person took from me - part of me is gone - a piece is missing still for part of me was in those words but none now.