November 6, 1971 - "Death In Venice"

I am listening to the theme music of Death In Venice (a lovely, lonely, moving movie of a novella by Thomas Mann) taken from Gustav Mahler's 5th Symphony. The whole sad mood is remembered, the melancholia floods over me and I become aware of a paradox - an anomaly (?) - how can I, a solitary, solitude-loving, aesthetic, poetic, moody, melancholy person who loves best that music, art, dance, et al that expresses the deepest feelings, the sad, the lonely - moody, melancholy stuff - highly emotionally - changed expressions - at the same time be unhappy living alone, or in need of noise be it TVor radio to keep me company when home alone. The quiet presses in on me & I am confused & miserable, indecisive, wayward and direction-less - as in a vacuum. I am nothing - a cipher, having no goal, no point, no plan.