March 17, 1972 - The Great Gap

I have returned from seeing Mary, Queen of Scots alone & I am listening to my 5 new records of Beethoven concertos & listening to the kettle whistle that means water is ready for my tea. I am incapacitated by the great gap between life and love and between my life and the life of mankind - I can hardly see where one fits with the other. I love but I am not loved. I need & want yet have not. My R. binds me as tho in a straightjacket and yet he is not here. I want to call A. but do I want to call him. It would be a lie loving R. as I do. I have the right to call A. but know I would be violent if R. saw or called another. Does he? How do I really know? How do we really know anything? I want R. here but do I want R. here?